Maybe I’ve lost the meaning of a birthday somehow, it became different in the last couple of years, rather an ordinary day. I still remember how it was before, you’ve been able to look foreward to these days, you waited for these days to happen, it meant something important. But now this feeling is gone. I don’t know why, but it just feels like every other day, except for the phone calls and messages you get from your family, your friends and a bunch of people that somehow happened to be on your ICQ list.
So here it is, this big day, my 26th birthday, but it just doesn’t feel different or special at all. Maybe it’s feeling that way, because I stopped to expect something from life, stopped to expect something to happen on its own a while ago. When I was little and cute (I doubt the second one) I mostly thought that everythink would work out and I just had to become older … but now, I’m 26 and nothing worked out the way I expected and wished things to be.
And now it’s getting even worse, back then I had a goal, a plan I could work towards (I didn’t do much for it, but that’s another story, a short one and is told with this last few words), but now everything feels so unreal and I don’t know what I want my life to be. I don’t know if I want to do, what I’m doing, don’t know if computer science is the right thing or something art related ever would be.
I’m doing (or most of the time not doing) all the stuff I’m doing now, because of my long standing wish to work at a games company on some videogames. But I haven’t played much good games in a long time now and I just don’t know anymore, if I want to become a part of all this, so every little piece of future I used to cling to, is vanishing into thin air right underneath my fingertips.
I don’t know where to go from this point, I remember all that directions that were exciting some years ago, but now no one is exciting enough. I want to have a goal, a plan, a path through life, something that points me the way. I think this is the reason why this day feels kind of empty, I want to say “I lived” at the and of my beeing and not just “I was” … and with every passing year I am more and more afraid that it won’t happen.
